I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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