I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
