you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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