the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
