Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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