When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
