I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
