mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
