Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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