Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize