Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
