i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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