Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
