We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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