Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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