totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ugly people sure do ruin things
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
