party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
