How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
