Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
