I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
