I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
