I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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