Don't make out with my wife yet
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
