The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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