I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
