I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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