one two three fourrrrnication!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
