I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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