It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
