also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude i'm inner monologue high
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
