my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
