I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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