Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
