He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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