Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
