If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
