Can i not drive my cunt home
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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