i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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