does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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