I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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