Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
