I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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