oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
are you so shy because you have an std?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
