My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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