This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
