her vagina looked like bernie madoff
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
