i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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