one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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