so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
