We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
