I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
