That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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