I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
