1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
