i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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