What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
