i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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