1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize