Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
