I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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