I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He has the fingertips of a God
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