peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
